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Written by: Momma B
Originally posted: 11/7/2015 What do you see when you see food? I was sitting in my living room the other day, fighting with myself yet again over whether or not I was going to eat a snack and my mind wandered off to that oh-so-familiar place where I begin to wonder how many OTHER people are in this situation right now? And then of course I think of how many other people are NOT in this situation right now and the gears keep turning right to, "well, how is it so easy for THEM to eat a snack??" It literally baffles me. (Let me explain so that those of you who do not know ED will understand.) This is how I imagine someone without an ED going to get a snack:
This is how it goes when I try to have a snack:
I'm sorry if this is entirely off base, I'm just a little cranky over here because I'm eating a fucking rotten banana. (And for those of you who are wondering why if I am getting better, I cannot just go and get a donut for snack yet...it is because that particular neural pathway hasn't been fixed. When I see a donut, I still automatically want to eat the whole donut factory. It doesn't have to do with food. It doesn't have to do with feeling hungry. It doesn't have to do with my body needing fuel. It has to do with the fact that my brain has all of these screwed up connections in the wrong places and I have to figure out how to rewire it. It's a very complicated job AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME WANT TO RIP ALL OF MY HAIR OUT!!! (.......Mindfully.) That's me for the next few years in recovery. :) - B _________________________________________________________________________________ Original post can be found at www.randomfrequents.com.
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Written by: Momma B
Originally posted: 11/4/2015 I really like that saying "God never gives you more than you can handle." Let me just quick point out that I am not a deeply religious person - I have no religious affiliations, and my beliefs are mine alone. I do not get into discussions involving religion and never will. It's a personal thing that is between me and absolutely NONE of you. So there. Anyway. This summer I could not handle anything. Clearly. I couldn't even get out of bed on my own. I had people coming to shake my shoulder and say things like "Bethany....if you don't get up now you won't have time for a shower!" Seriously. I had gone from a 32 year-old mother to a 12 year old kid in less than a 24 hour time span. (I paid for the fancy express ticket to my rock bottom.) Fast forward though 8 weeks of residential where I made lots of arts and crafts with glitter and paint, 4 weeks of partial where I spent my days folding origami and participating in groups while trying to learn to regulate my intake of food. Also to see food as.....food? I don't know....like normal people see it? I don't think I will ever know how that is. Something in my brain is messed up with that recognition. Hopefully through CBT and DBT one day I will see food or hear about it and not have my first thought be to either shove it all in my face or to run away in fear. Those are my two automatic reactions. That's just how the grooves in my brain have been digging themselves deeper for over half of my life. Not trying to go off on a tangent. Refocusing. So, yes. I was cleared to go back to work a week ago. I had all of my appointments with my doctors and everyone said my labs were good, and I had a good head on my shoulders, and although I am obviously not 100% PERFECT (Pssshhhaw! Which one of you judgy people is?!) I may resume earning income for my household. - Insert my husband crying tears of joy here. - So, just like that I was whole again! As soon as the paperwork got into the hands of our HR department I started to get a little tickle of anxiety. Just a little niggle of the "wait, am I really ready to go back? What if I can't deal with the whole real being a grown-up and adulting yet??" Don't ever ask yourself that question. My son had a little runny nose the other day. He wasn't even complaining about it. No cough, no sneeze. Just a little snot. I almost thought I was imagining things. I put him to bed one night and then......BANG! The next morning he decided to learn how to climb out of his crib at 22 months old and ALSO to have his "little snot trickle" turn into a full-fledged god-awful category 5 head cold. Begin 36 straight hours of a screaming toddler, mucus and throw up (sorry for that trigger), fevers, zero sleep (but for some fitful 5-minute naps on a twin mattress thrown on the floor of his room at 2am.) No real schedules. Just zombie baby with mucus and tears and his insatiable need for mom snuggles. Who would have guessed that I had more than enough to give to him? I took care of him just fine. I shouldn't have doubted myself for a second. If this was back in June, my husband would have been on his own. My body physically wouldn't have been able to keep up with our son's demands. I literally #crushedit this time. I literally laid on that floor with his toe up my nose and him whimpering in his fever-dreams and I swore like a sailor in my head and I counted down the minutes until sunrise and I held it together like a mother fucking BOSS. Because I am B. And that's just what I do. - B ________________________________________________________________________________ Original post can be found at www.randomfrequents.com. Written by: Ryan K
Originally posted: 11/3/2015 Son of a bitch. You may have noticed a few recurring themes throughout my documented journey, two of which are the rhetorical"WHY ME?!" and several mentions of being sad about a boy which was somewhat the "final nail in the coffin," so to speak. Or whatever that phrase is? Hit the nail on the coffin's head? I don't know. I also say "the eagle has left the building" so we'll do what we can. Clarification time! First of all, this person is absolutely not why I have an eating disorder nor why I went to treatment. No doubt this contributed to what ultimately transpired, but was in no way responsible. The truth is, many factors—over a long period of time—played into why I have an eating disorder, and last summer was simply the "straw that broke the camel's back" (MAKE IT STOP) after many years of maladaptive behaviors and complete inability to properly and productively handle not-so-stellar situations. So now that we've gotten that far, how did I get an ED? Took me long enough to finally accept it, would be nice to know what exactly happened so I can analyze and dissect and overthink and wonder "What if ... ?" ... because that sounds spectacular, am I right? Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure, which can be quite unsettling. I'm a Taurus/Aries cuspian but primarily a Taurus which means I dig logic. Give me the data, facts and concrete info so I can make an educated and data-based decision. I NEED ANSWERS. Give me the answers! Despite research studies and all that jazz, there is no way to know exactly how one develops an eating disorder. Some people are able to look back and chronicle times that may have played a part, but we're really just hanging out in the gray area. Others can't legitimately pinpoint when or why their ED could've come about, and this causes a lot of frustration. How am I supposed to fix the problem if I don't know how it got there? Everyone has different ways of dealing with this, but radical acceptance is big for me. I'm never going to find out why I got stuck with this nonsense when most people around me seem fine, so might as well just take it and move forward. And try to help others in the process. According to research, a bunch of shit can go into getting an eating disorder. We're talking genetics, brain chemistry, cultural norms, difficult interpersonal events (e.g. divorce, bullying, physical abuse, etc.), big life transitions, environment, feeling inadequate, addiction, perfectionism ... And that's not even all. Alright, so that's cool, we have some ideas of what MIGHT develop an ED, but we're just gonna have to live with never fully knowing. Something EDs are NOT all about—contrary to very popular belief--is food. Sure, food is involved, but a detrimental misconception is people with eating disorders are selfish and/or vain. That is simply not true. Worrying about body image and all of that can play a role (more so in the beginning stages, from my experience) but eating disorders are so much more complex than simply not wanting to eat. And please, don't ever tell someone struggling with this mental illness to just eat like a normal person. Wow, really? It's that simple? Thanks! I'm all better now! Eating disorder treatment is a very lucrative industry and wouldn't exist if people could just snap out of it. But TRUST, I wish we all could. In sum, I don't know why I have an eating disorder. I have some ideas, but can't tell for sure. Despite not having the answers, I'm just gonna honor this struggle as a part of my life and another challenge to overcome. Ed, I don't know who let you in, but I'm going to show you the way out. Motherfucker. On that note, dinnertime. _________________________________________________________________________________ Original post can be found at www.ryandoesresi.com. Written by: Ryan K
Originally posted: 11/3/2015 So excited to announce a new featured series: ED-Q&A. I often speak of the incredible people I've met in treatment, both at Walden and CEDC, and think it would be really enlightening to get some different perspectives. Remember that eating disorders are like snowflakes; no two are the same. Though all of us may share this struggle, we are alsomuch more than simply disordered. We all have real lives and real non-ED challenges ... But also real interests, skills, hobbies, children, careers, relationships, etc. I am going to start a series where I sit down with someone I believe will offer an interesting and unique story and share what I've learned. In breaking down the stigma of eating disorders and mental illness in general, it's only right to include a variety of views so we can all learn even more. Look out for the following –
Really looking forward to chatting with these awesome folks and getting their story out. Stay tuned! _________________________________________________________________________________ Original post can be found at www.ryandoesresi.com. |
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