Written by: Ryan K
Originally posted: 11/3/2015
Son of a bitch.
You may have noticed a few recurring themes throughout my documented journey, two of which are the rhetorical"WHY ME?!" and several mentions of being sad about a boy which was somewhat the "final nail in the coffin," so to speak. Or whatever that phrase is? Hit the nail on the coffin's head? I don't know. I also say "the eagle has left the building" so we'll do what we can.
Clarification time! First of all, this person is absolutely not why I have an eating disorder nor why I went to treatment. No doubt this contributed to what ultimately transpired, but was in no way responsible. The truth is, many factors—over a long period of time—played into why I have an eating disorder, and last summer was simply the "straw that broke the camel's back" (MAKE IT STOP) after many years of maladaptive behaviors and complete inability to properly and productively handle not-so-stellar situations.
So now that we've gotten that far, how did I get an ED? Took me long enough to finally accept it, would be nice to know what exactly happened so I can analyze and dissect and overthink and wonder "What if ... ?" ... because that sounds spectacular, am I right?
Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure, which can be quite unsettling. I'm a Taurus/Aries cuspian but primarily a Taurus which means I dig logic. Give me the data, facts and concrete info so I can make an educated and data-based decision. I NEED ANSWERS. Give me the answers!
Despite research studies and all that jazz, there is no way to know exactly how one develops an eating disorder. Some people are able to look back and chronicle times that may have played a part, but we're really just hanging out in the gray area. Others can't legitimately pinpoint when or why their ED could've come about, and this causes a lot of frustration. How am I supposed to fix the problem if I don't know how it got there?
Everyone has different ways of dealing with this, but radical acceptance is big for me. I'm never going to find out why I got stuck with this nonsense when most people around me seem fine, so might as well just take it and move forward. And try to help others in the process.
According to research, a bunch of shit can go into getting an eating disorder. We're talking genetics, brain chemistry, cultural norms, difficult interpersonal events (e.g. divorce, bullying, physical abuse, etc.), big life transitions, environment, feeling inadequate, addiction, perfectionism ... And that's not even all.
Alright, so that's cool, we have some ideas of what MIGHT develop an ED, but we're just gonna have to live with never fully knowing. Something EDs are NOT all about—contrary to very popular belief--is food. Sure, food is involved, but a detrimental misconception is people with eating disorders are selfish and/or vain. That is simply not true. Worrying about body image and all of that can play a role (more so in the beginning stages, from my experience) but eating disorders are so much more complex than simply not wanting to eat. And please, don't ever tell someone struggling with this mental illness to just eat like a normal person. Wow, really? It's that simple? Thanks! I'm all better now! Eating disorder treatment is a very lucrative industry and wouldn't exist if people could just snap out of it. But TRUST, I wish we all could.
In sum, I don't know why I have an eating disorder. I have some ideas, but can't tell for sure. Despite not having the answers, I'm just gonna honor this struggle as a part of my life and another challenge to overcome.
Ed, I don't know who let you in, but I'm going to show you the way out. Motherfucker.
On that note, dinnertime.
Original post can be found at www.ryandoesresi.com.