Half The Battle

Written by: Ryan K
Originally posted: 6/9/2015


Since being in the partial hospitalization program (PHP or "partial") from mid-December to mid-January and then intensive outpatient (IOP) for three months afterwards at Walden, I learned that although my relationship with Ed may have partially started because I took a few comments of weight gain way too seriously, it is so much more than that. It's a messed up combination of perfectionism, self criticism, self punishment … But also became my way of dealing with anything bad. Bad feelings, bad emotions, bad situations. Hell, it even became my way of dealing with anything good. Great job at work today! You deserve a shitload of Chinese food that no normal person would ever consume in one evening. For 12 years, this is how I have know how to deal with pretty much anything. I use these behaviors to numb myself from dealing with real life situations in a healthy way.

My manager told me that his son's teacher said that to teach a six-year-old child to put on shoes before leaving the house, you need six months. Six months to learn a new behavior. Now take me, a newly minted 30-year-old, who needs to retrain her mind and body to change hardwired behaviors after over a decade. This shit is a bitch.

If it takes living in a residential treatment center with a bunch of strangers and little to no privacy or freedom, then that's what it takes. I owe it to the fun, bubbly, curious, animated little girl to save her life.

DAY 1 in Ryan vs. Ed. Let's get it on.



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Original post can be found at www.ryandoesresi.com.