Sweating Like A Hooker In Church

Written by: Ryan K
Originally posted: 6/29/2015


Hello reader friends.

It's been a whopping nine days or so since I've written and this can be attributed to a variety of reasons: finally being stable enough (and actually wanting) to go on the before-dinner outing, feeling the need to word search and make positive affirmation signs like a factory, slowly disconnecting from the social media world, and probably the biggest contributing factor of all -- I've been sweating like a motherfucking hooker in church.

And then I went to hell. Just kidding.

Fun fact!
When one is aware that she is doing something wrong, she has the tendency to avoid any parties holding her accountable. For example, I am ALL about research. When I first started treatment**, I was all over the recovery-related YouTube videos, podcasts, books, forums, you name it. I read on the train, listened to videos while doing my makeup in the morning, had podcasts playing while preparing dinner. At the risk of getting burnt out (hello GMAT exam memories), I needed all of the information to get in my head, IMMEDIATELY. I was learning so much about the disease that has plagued me for over a decade, and it was both enlightening and exhilarating. 

But here's the kicker. When my April relapse started happening (ultimately landing me in the ER about a month later), I realized during a therapy session that I had also stopped reading. Interesting. I was avoiding reading about recovery skills and motivation because I was doing the opposite. I was relapsing. Subconsciously, my headspace simply was not conducive to housing information about recovery.

With that longwinded intro, I have a confession to make. I started hiding food. Pretty ironic I'm writing this after the last post about making enough progress to not feel the need to hide food after hearing about it, but LET ME EXPLAIN. Every few days, our meal plan increases. I got to a point where I was physically unable to consume my meals in their entirety to remain compliant. And I am always compliant, goddammit! I am a good daughter, good employee, good friend, good student (I've been called Hermione in grad school). I just want to do everything right! In fear of falling behind on my meal plan advancement but majorly struggling to finish my food, I remembered what the aforementioned patient said about hiding food. So I tried it. And it worked! And it was kind of a rush? What? So then I did it again. And then again. And then again. I didn't stick whole slices of pizza in my pocket or anything, but the cup of raisins and plate of animal crackers have definitely seen brighter days. 

Weird, my weight was dropping, even after going on a larger meal plan. SO WEIRD, RIGHT? I knew I needed to tell my team because my meal plan was about to go up again, and what do I do then? Hide whole plates of pasta? Er, no. Funny thing about eating disorder treatment centers is they've seen every trick in the book. Last Wednesday night (after a successful family meeting with my parents and case manager that afternoon, before she was made aware of my klepto ways) the doctor asked me about being noncompliant at meals (read: hiding and discarding food). CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG. I felt anxious and ashamed, but also relieved. I was happy that my "secret" was out and I could go back to being on track 100%. I was afraid of being in trouble, but that's not really how this works. My team can't fully help me if they don't know what's going on. I came to realize that they don't make more money or get more gold stars if "Team Ryan" is winning the race. The only person who loses is me.

Also ironic that the need for perfection and approval was a big catalyst in developing my eating disorder, and was also a cause of being dishonest in treatment. I guess the moral of the story is perfection does not exist. Anywhere.

Sure does feel good to cool off.

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Original post can be found at www.ryandoesresi.com.