They Are Trying To Kill Me

Written by: Ryan K
Originally posted: 6/12/2015


I actually wrote that on my "Mood Monitoring" worksheet after lunch today (sheet we fill out after each meal detailing the situation, how stressed we feel on a scale of 1-10, our feelings based on our emotions, and how we can reframe these feelings in a more positive way).

Explanation: Every three days, our meal plan gets increased. Not by much -- a few exchanges here and there -- but enough to cause physical pain. I was doing well the first few days with the amount of food, but today has been by far the most difficult. I was still feeling so full after breakfast and morning snack, then lunchtime rolled around and anxiety skyrocketed. I was able to finish my food (surprisingly) but had some water and OJ left, which made me non-compliant. It wasn't so much that the food was triggering (I've had way more personally challenging foods since being here) but it was the amount.

I COULDN'T MOVE. I was convinced they are trying to kill me. Or at least prepare me for some sort of bodybuilding competition? I asked the diet technician if my new meal plan is for sumo wrestlers. Michael Phelps? I asked my case manager if anyone's stomach has ever exploded here. The answers were all no.

As time passed, I felt better and was able to be compliant at dinner, a Thai feast that we all worked together to prepare as a fun Friday night activity. Dinner was certainly challenging, but I was able to finish and am currently working to manage my emotions while I wait for my friend to visit.

As apprehensive, anxious, stressed and nervous as I constantly feel, I never lose sight of my optimism, motivation, ambition and focus for why I am here. My body is relearning what an appropriate amount of food looks like, and my mind is relearning what a healthy relationship with food looks like. Along the way, there will certainly be growing pains (pun intended) in all senses of the phrase, but I need to remember that I can't go uphill over to Recovery Land if I keep thinking downhill thoughts.

AM-I-RIGHT?


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Original post can be found at www.ryandoesresi.com.